Mental Health Monday: Validation vs. Reassurance

Happy #mentalhealthmonday ! Imagine your child calls and says, “Mom, I feel like a horrible person. I can’t do anything right. I wish I could move away so everyone can forget me and all the stupid things I’ve done.” I know a mom who was (and sometimes still is) faced with comments like these on a regular basis. As a parent, what is your first instinct when you respond? Most parents would probably say something like, “You are NOT a horrible person! Look at all the incredible things you’ve done.” This is called reassurance. 

One of the amazing parts of the treatment center I attended this summer was family therapy. My family members and even my roommate were invited to come once a week and learn about how my brain works and how to best support me. One of the most eye-opening lessons they learned was the difference between reassurance and validation. Reassurance perpetuates the cycle. It calms the OCD sufferer temporarily...until the next time he/she needs reassurance (which is all the time). Instead, family members and friends should seek to VALIDATE. An example my therapist taught my family is, “I see you. I hear you. I care.” Back to the original scenario. A validating response instead of a reassuring response might sound something like this: “I can see you are suffering a lot right now with these feelings and I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard when you have this kind of anxiety.” The person with OCD knows he/she is loved and supported, but also remembers the problem is his or hers to resolve healthily through techniques such as hook statements, opposite action, etc. The resolution has to come from within!