Mental Health Monday: Bad Haircuts

Ever looked back on a haircut and thought...wut...was...I thinking?! Yup. Me too. One of my summer projects is sorting pictures from the past 10 years. I’ve noticed how vastly different my hair lengths, colors, and styles have been over the years and some of the pictures make me seriously cringe (see first picture in particular). But I think of my mental heath journey and it’s no different. I look back at some of my past behaviors while learning to navigate my OCD and I want to crawl into a deep hole in the crust of the earth and never come out. Like all the times I tried to set up guys I liked with my close friends. But I’ve learned from those mistakes and made changes. I’m sure I will look back in ten years on some of my current hairstyles and cringe. I’ll also look back at some of my current OCD behaviors and sigh and shake my head (which is a step up from wanting to die in a hole). And hopefully I’ll be a little wiser. It’s a constantly evolving process. Maybe by age 90 I’ll have it all figured out...and have the perfect haircut. 

Mental Health Monday: Imagine

My mom and I got to spend some time with my nephews today while Christina was teaching. In an hour, we played on the swings, went on the slide, jumped on the trampoline, measured the length of a dinosaur (44 feet), played make-believe dinosaurs (I was a raptor being chased by the 44 foot dinosaur and got bit...quite hard... on the back of my leg by a giganotosaurus), read books, played animals (Scotty was a Komodo dragon and I was a sloth), did online word games and jigsaw puzzles, played “name that tune,” did the Superman ride, and sang songs. There is never a dull moment with a 2 year old and 5 year old. While this does not sound like a recipe for preserving mental health, I felt so much joy in that hour with them. Playing make believe and being silly and watching children learn is so good for the soul! When I’m with them, I’m not worrying about what I weigh or my dating drama or my future life plans. I’m in the moment every second.

Mental Health Monday: OCD and ADHD

Several years ago, one of my former psychiatrists diagnosed me with adult ADHD in addition to OCD. She started me on Ritalin, but I hated the way it made me feel. I was also told it is difficult to treat both ADHD and OCD with medication, so I ultimately decided to continue with OCD meds only.

When I attended the OCD and Anxiety Treatment Center this summer, however, I learned that people with OCD are often misdiagnosed with ADHD. Everything started to make sense. When one ruminates continuously on the past or future, as someone with OCD does, it makes it difficult to focus on the present.

Last year, I had a particularly difficult time focusing for several months and I spent a lot of time beating myself up about it. I found that coloring gave my mind a place to focus; yet, I was miraculously attentive to what was going on around me. I’m not sure how it worked; I just know that it did. Over time, I found I didn’t need to color as much, especially as I learned to be gentler with myself. I still carry my coloring book with me and pull it out from time to time, but with less frequency. This pic is my most recently completed page. 

Mental Health Monday: What Doesn't it Affect?

I was asked to give a speech at an OCD event called 1 Million Steps 4 OCD (sponsored by the Utah chapter of the OCD Foundation). Unfortunately, there was a scheduling issue and the walk was moved last minute to a week when I will be out of town. I already wrote the speech, so I thought I'd share it in hopes it can help someone.

My name is Katie Houston and I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  While my OCD can take different forms, the type I am most prone to is scrupulosity.  People with scrupulosity create their own set of strict rules to live by and perform compulsions in order to reach their own impossibly high standards.  Among other things, it is characterized by overwhelming feelings of guilt and a constant desire to confess and make amends for things that others see as harmless

As I pondered what I wanted to share, I thought about the parts of my life my OCD affects.  I know there is at least one person out there who can relate to every single experience I will share this morning.  

OCD affects my self-esteem.   Because my expectations for myself are so high, I fall short constantly.  I fall in to periods of self-loathing. All I can see are my weaknesses, and I struggle to see the victories.  And then I feel guilty for not being grateful for what I have.

OCD affects my relationships.  I often feel unworthy of love. I push people away for fear of disappointing them the way I disappoint myself.  Living alone is a safer alternative to letting someone down.

OCD affects my physical fitness. I have to make a conscious effort not to starve myself in order to lose weight, because my OCD mentality is all or nothing.  During gym classes, I have to remind myself that it’s okay to do one less rep than my coach tells me to, or if I walk instead of run some days when I’m worn out.  

OCD affects my education.  I once became obsessed with a reading assignment in college that I felt I didn’t complete correctly.  I convinced myself I didn’t deserve my scholarship or my degree because of it. A couple years after taking the class, I emailed my professor to confess everything and seek relief from the anxiety that never went away.  Of course, the professor saw nothing wrong with the way I completed the assignment.

OCD affects my career as a teacher.  Once, I received an unkind parent email and had a complete break down. My reaction was much more extreme than the situation called for.  I called the mother of another student sobbing hysterically, seeking reassurance that I wasn’t a horrible teacher and therefore a horrible person.  I completely caught her off guard and felt later that I jeopardized my credibility as a professional.

OCD affects my mundane, ordinary tasks. A few weeks ago, I almost had a melt down in the grocery store over a charcuterie board I was supposed to bring to a party.  There were so many choices of meats and cheeses and I was in totally unfamiliar territory. I hate the grocery store.

I could go on, but there aren’t enough hours in the day to cover it.  A better question, I think, is, "What part of my life does obsessive compulsive disorder NOT affect?"  The answer, as I think many of you will understand, is nothing. Even in sleep, I dream of my anxieties.  

Last summer, however, changed my life.  I started having panic attacks a year ago in April when the medication I was on for 10 years lost its effectiveness.  It was terrifying and I knew I couldn’t live like that and function in society. During my struggles, I was referred to the OCD and Anxiety Treatment Center in Bountiful.  I spent 5 weeks there learning how to control my OCD rather than allowing it to control me. Through exposure therapy, I showed my fears who was boss. I learned what it means to be present and not live in the past or the future.  I learned there is hope. My OCD will never go away completely, but with the right kind of therapy and medication, I can rise above it every single day and lead a normal, happy, healthy life.

I am a totally different person now than I was a year ago. I've learned to let people in to my life and I'm healthier mentally and physically than ever before. Because OCD affects every aspect of my life, the treatment I did positively affected every aspect of my life as well. I take every opportunity to share my experiences so that others know they don’t have to live in pain and isolation anymore.  There are people who understand, and there are resources available to educate us on how our brains work so that we can break the unhealthy cycles that bind us to our OCD.   Through sharing my story, I’ve learned just how many people out there get it. I’ve had so many people reach out to me sharing their experiences in response to my own. It needs to be safer to talk about so it no longer festers in peoples’ minds and sends them in a downward spiral where no one can help them.

We can make a difference by talking about our experiences. Let’s make a goal today to tell one new person about an experience we’ve had with OCD so we can break the stigma that suggests that we should be ashamed of the mental illness we were born with.  Let’s instead be proud of how far we’ve come.

Self-Care Saturday: JOMO

🌸 JOMO: (noun) The joy of missing out! 🌸 

Ever since i was a little girl, I have struggled with the ever-present FOMO: (noun) Fear of missing out 😬. I wanted to attend everything and be involved in everything and be friends with everyone, even when I was tired, not feelin’ it, or even sick 😂. As I’ve gotten older (and with the wise promptings of our mom @tellyh654), I have learned that there is power in being able to say no, thank you, I’m going to read my book tonight. There is power in purposely NOT making plans on a Friday night so that you can take a bubble bath and go to bed early.

Being involved and in love with life is a wonderful thing, and I still am. But, life is even more breathtaking when you aren’t driven by FEAR to experience it. JOMO is just one small way that you can allow yourself to be driven by JOY 🌸. -Anna 

Mental Health Monday: Try New Things

One thing we discussed in my therapy this summer is my fear of looking stupid. A lot of my exposure therapy focused on this concern. One thing I’ve avoided is board games/card games because I have a difficult time understanding directions the first time through. It takes me awhile to figure out what’s going on and I always feel behind. I ask lots of questions and feel dumb. During our family trip this weekend, however, I decided to join my siblings and in-laws playing a game I’ve always dreaded: Settlers of Catan. I played once years ago and avoided it ever since. This time, I gave myself permission to figure it out slowly. I also feel safe with my family, which helped me be at ease. We had a blast and I wanted to play again, which is saying a lot! That night, I learned two new card games. We had so much fun that we played them again the next morning. It sounds really insignificant, but I was proud of myself for learning new games instead of avoiding them due to my insecurity. I didn’t miss out on the fun and I bonded with my family. A situation that once felt threatening instead contributed to a more joyous life.

Mental Health Monday: Positive Thinking

When I was in college, I had an unforgettable experience in a master class. As a music major, I had to sing in front of my peers and be critiqued by my professor. After performing one evening, he said to me, “Katie, you’re very hard on yourself.” This is something I’ve heard a lot in my life, so I told him I agreed. Then he said, “But you’re hard on other people too. You’re hard on them because you’re hard on yourself.” I was completely taken aback. I barely knew this professor. I have no idea to this day what inspired him to say that to me. But I will NEVER forget it. One trap perfectionists fall in to is holding themselves to an impossible standard and unintentionally doing it to the people around them. It’s easy to become critical and judgmental. 

My friend shared reminded me of a quote from LDS church leader Elder Jeffrey R. Holland that said, “I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything.” When we cut ourselves a break and love ourselves, we are better prepared to love others. If there is one thing I want more than anything, it’s to view all people the way I see my niece and nephews- as humans with divine roots and endless potential who I cherish deeply and perfectly, even when one of them says, “I don’t yike you, Katie” (he’s two- it comes with the territory. They don’t yike anyone, but we love them anyway). I can’t do that, though, until I stop placing unrealistic demands on myself.

Mental Health Monday: Apologize

In my struggle with scrupulosity, apologizing is a way to relieve anxiety. It’s what the outpatient clinic I attended last summer calls a “neutralizing behavior.” I feel anxiety that I may have done something wrong or made someone uncomfortable; therefore, I apologize for it just in case. It makes me feel less anxious because it means I’ve acknowledged what I did and tried to make it better. This is problematic because it’s easy to start apologizing for living, talking, breathing, having opinions, having a tough day, being sad, being hurt, etc. And those feelings aren’t things that require an apology. One thing my therapist taught me that was a huge game changer is that I should never apologize for my feelings. I don’t need to beat myself up for being angry or scared or apathetic or whatever I may feel. I should recognize it, sit with it, and then decide how best to proceed from there. I’ve since made it a goal not to apologize for being me. It is already making a big difference in my relationships. A guy said to me recently, “I love how you are always so confident and sure of yourself.” I had to laugh, because that’s the polar opposite of me usually. But it proved the techniques I learned in therapy are helping me grow and improv (image created with @typoramaapp).

Mental Health Monday: Shoulding

There is a lot of shame associated with OCD and anxiety. I waste so much time telling myself how I “should” be: “You should be able to deal with this,” or, “You should be doing this regularly.” It’s exhausting and painful. There’s no allowance for being human. This is a phrase I learned with one of my therapists, Lisa. Whenever I catch myself “shoulding” myself, I try to change my inner dialogue. (Sidenote: posting this message is a form of exposure therapy for me because I’m ALMOST swearing in public 😂😂😂. See my “Dam It” post from a couple months ago to understand what I mean!). 

Mental Health Monday: Validation vs. Reassurance

Happy #mentalhealthmonday ! Imagine your child calls and says, “Mom, I feel like a horrible person. I can’t do anything right. I wish I could move away so everyone can forget me and all the stupid things I’ve done.” I know a mom who was (and sometimes still is) faced with comments like these on a regular basis. As a parent, what is your first instinct when you respond? Most parents would probably say something like, “You are NOT a horrible person! Look at all the incredible things you’ve done.” This is called reassurance. 

One of the amazing parts of the treatment center I attended this summer was family therapy. My family members and even my roommate were invited to come once a week and learn about how my brain works and how to best support me. One of the most eye-opening lessons they learned was the difference between reassurance and validation. Reassurance perpetuates the cycle. It calms the OCD sufferer temporarily...until the next time he/she needs reassurance (which is all the time). Instead, family members and friends should seek to VALIDATE. An example my therapist taught my family is, “I see you. I hear you. I care.” Back to the original scenario. A validating response instead of a reassuring response might sound something like this: “I can see you are suffering a lot right now with these feelings and I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard when you have this kind of anxiety.” The person with OCD knows he/she is loved and supported, but also remembers the problem is his or hers to resolve healthily through techniques such as hook statements, opposite action, etc. The resolution has to come from within!

Mental Health Monday: Live Uncertain

When I graduated from the OCD and Anxiety Treatment Center this summer, my mom gave me a necklace engraved with a phrase I adopted from the clinic: “Live Uncertain.” No matter what form of OCD one has, they feel a burning need to be 100% certain. For those with contamination OCD, they seek 100% assurance that they are clean. This may result in excessive hand-washing, avoiding doorknobs, constant cleaning, etc. People with harm OCD seek 100% assurance that their loved ones are safe and they don’t cause harm to others. This can result in hiding knives or other dangerous objects for fear of accidentally hurting someone; being hyper-aware of illness and spending hours googling symptoms; or driving back and forth over the same stretch of road to make sure they didn’t accidentally run someone over. For people with scrupulosity like mine, we seek 100% assurance that our behavior is 100% appropriate and acceptable. This leads to constantly asking others if something we did is bad; confessing misdeeds to everyone in hopes that they will tell us it’s okay; belittling oneself to make sure we aren’t being prideful; and so much more. My family can always tell if I’ve missed medication for too many days because I start obsessing over very minor social interactions or things I’ve done and ask my family members if my behavior was acceptable. Recently, i started a fitness challenge with friends. I am tracking my calories in My Fitness Pal and have a calorie goal to stay within each day. I started retreating back in to my normal pattern of under-eating by 300-500 calories so I could make sure I was 100% honest when i reported to my friends that I stayed within my goal. There is so much uncertainty when tracking food because calories can vary and it’s hard to get portions exact. But I realized what I was doing and shared with my friends this particular OCD struggle so they could support me in being healthy. Having that support system is critical! Tune in next week on #mentalhealthmonday for more about how to “live uncertain” and how to help your loved ones with OCD to live in the gray.

Mental Health Monday: Superstition

Little known fact about OCD, especially scrupulosity: sometimes, a person with said brain illness is superstitious about certain numbers. Because my brand of scrupulosity is intertwined with morality, I started becoming superstitious of the number 420- a number associated with marijuana, Hitler’s birthday, the Columbine shootings, etc. I was convinced I was seeing it everywhere- especially on the clock in my car- and I figured it must mean something bad for me or about me. After my treatment this summer, I decided to do an “opposite action” and I purposely set my alarm clock for 4:20 a.m. on the mornings I go to the gym at 5:00 a.m. Take that, OCD! My paranoia has diminished, but I still think it’s funny to send pictures to my mom and sisters whenever I see the number. —Katie

Mental Health Monday: Let Yourself Be Loved

One of my anxiety triggers is being in debt to someone. If a person offers to do something for me, I immediately start devising ways to pay him/her back, even when nothing is expected in return. It’s even hard for me to trust and accept love given to me freely. I feel inadequate to repay the debt I feel all the time- as a human being, I find myself needing help a lot! We all do.

Shortly after moving in to my new house in 2016, I mentioned to my friend that I wanted a garden. I told him my modest budget and he surprised me one day with a truck full of plants and a watering system. He spent close to $400 and only wanted a $100 reimbursement. Still, I tried to venmo him the full amount based on my guestimation of what he spent. He returned all but $100. Tears sprang to my eyes when I read the memo for the payment on Venmo (see second picture). 

Because he knows me well, he emphasized that he wanted NOTHING in return. For the first time in a very long time, I allowed someone outside my family to love and serve me without making things “even.” The invaluable gift he gave me was not the garden that I later killed with my black thumb- it was the knowledge that someone who all sides of me found me worthy of a garden full of beautiful flowers. It was one of the most profound moments of my life. To my fellow sufferers of mental illness, do you allow people to love you? Like me, do you deflect compliments? Do you sometimes see yourself as your mental illness and therefore unworthy of love? We have to fight against these destructive and unhealthy behaviors and remember that we are so much more than our OCD, depression, bipolar disorder, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, panic disorder, or whatever else afflicts us. 

Thankful Thursday: Laughter

I am super uptight. There. I said it. I have knots in my shoulders and neck from all the tension I carry around because I worry about EVERYTHING (#ocdproblems ). Today, I am grateful for HUMOR! Laughter is critical to a joyous, healthy life. While this fact is fairly obvious, I did a screenshot of good ole Wikipedia (see second picture) that describes actual studies that prove this is true! And I’m sure those stats are at least mostly accurate.  I’m on choir/band/orchestra tour right now with 165 people, including over 150 teenagers. My colleague and I are in charge of the whole shabang. Last night, something little happened at dinner that made me stress out way more than the situation called for. I had to take a few minutes to breathe in a place where I could be alone (a bathroom stall), and remind myself this is supposed to be FUN and to not sweat the small stuff. So, on performing arts tour day 2, I decided to wear my favorite shirt a co-worker gave me for situations such as these. But all I really need to do is look at the pictures my students are taking with Travis, the traveling Barbie boyfriend they gave me for Christmas, to remember to laugh- or at least smile- when I feel like I might jump out of my skin.
 

Mental Health Monday: Labels

Happy Monday! It’s Anna today for#mentalhealthymonday. This semester in OT school, we have been studying mental health. I have had the chance to identify some patterns of thinking in my own brain that can be improved for my overall mental health! Here’s one that is common amongst many people: 
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LABELING: identifying with your shortcomings. 
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Example: you get a bad grade on a test. 
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Distorted thinking: “I must not be as smart as my classmates.” Or “I am such a lazy person.”
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Reality: you made some mistakes! You can always learn from your mistakes and try again.
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The same thing can be applied to “I am a failure of a mother” or “I have no self-control” and so many more. Today, try to identify one time where you are “labeling” yourself, and try to reframe that thinking and see how your view of yourself changes! 

Spiritual Sunday: Inner Dialogue

Our bodies are incredible. When we get cut or bruised, the body works to heal itself. Our bodies can create beautiful little humans who go on to think and learn and change the world. Our bodies are one of the most precious gifts we have. When I first saw this picture, I immediately thought, “Ugh, look at my hips in those pants” instead of, “Look at those marvelous legs that got me up to the top of that mountain so I could witness the exquisite view behind me.” My inner dialogue needs to change. Many of us, like me, are so critical of our bodies- we immediately see the flaws and forget all the super powers our body has! When my sister regained her ability to walk after a battle with GBS left her in a wheelchair, it was like she had a new lease on life. She treasures her body. I want to do the same. I am so grateful to God for the gift of my body that allows me to enjoy this beautiful world He created for us.

Mental Health Monday: Challenge Your Mind

Happy #mentalhealthmonday ! I’m writing this post from Charleston, SC. This trip is doing wonders for my mental health- I’m with some of my best friends from college seeing beautiful architecture and gardens, talking frankly about the joys and sorrows of my life, listening to my friends share their experiences and insights, discussing our faith, eating great food, and splurging a little without guilt. In preparation for our trip, we choose two books to read at home. Then, we sat amidst the beautiful flowers in the historic Magnolia gardens just outside Charleston and had a little book club meeting during our reunion. One of the books we read was philosophical, had challenging vocabulary, and required a lot of focus and mental energy. But it was so rewarding! We talked in our book discussion about how good it felt to read something that challenged our minds and used parts of our brains that hadn’t been “dusted off” in awhile. I firmly believe that pushing myself to learn is critical to maintaining a healthy mind. Progress adds dimension and richness to our lives. Whether it’s learning a new skill or picking up a new sport or hobby, the more we learn, the more empowered we are. We become more self-confident and find satisfaction in our lives. I have to add that there is danger with OCD of taking the principle to an extreme. Not being able to relax because one feels like they have to accomplish something every moment is not a healthy mindset. I’ve been there. It’s something one has to guard against. But it’s important to take risks often and try new things to remind ourselves how truly capable of growth we are. I’ve included lots of pictures of the Magnolia gardens for your viewing pleasure! SO BEAUTIFUL.

Spiritual Sunday: Quality of Life

Do you agree? This hit home for me. Pick one of these categories that you think needs work in your life and work on it this week! The hardest part is getting started, so something small every day, little steps add up!

Mental Health: People Pleaser

It’s Katie, back for our weekly mental health discussion. I’ve shared before, I have obsessive compulsive disorder. One of my obsessions is the fear of disappointing people. I also hate making people feel obligated, hurt, inconvenienced, or angry. I am a people pleaser to the nth degree. We addressed this topic in my therapy at the OCD and Anxiety Treatment Center this summer and set up a plan to tackle this facet of my OCD through ERP. Exposure Response Prevention is a form of therapy that targets an OCD patient’s obsessive fears by exposing him/her to them. The therapist guides the patient to eliminate the compulsions (or neutralizers, as the clinic calls them) he/she performs to reduce anxiety. The exposures are repeated until the anxiety level decreases significantly. My therapist and I started simply. One of the exposures I had to perform was offering gum to people. Before coming to therapy, I avoided offering mints, gum, food, etc. to people because I was afraid they would feel awkward if they didn’t want any. I felt rude never offering anything, but I was too afraid of bothering them or putting them (and me) in an awkward situation. My therapist gave me a pack of gum and I had to offer a piece over and over to the people around me. The more I did it, the easier it became and the less anxious it made me. Once I could do it without major feelings of anxiety, we moved on to other exposures that were more difficult to perform. The most intense exposure I did addressing this issue was when I went through a drive-thru, ordered only water (which is free), and asked them AFTER they gave it to me if I could have it with no ice. I did this 5-6 times at different drive-thrus around town. It was insane. Who does that? But it was eye opening to realize I didn’t die and neither did the person waiting on me at the drive-thru. What felt like a huge threat to me turned out to be not a big deal. Refusing to dwell on the feelings of annoyance or frustration someone MIGHT feel over my actions was so liberating. So who wants a piece of gum?

Mental Health Monday: OCD and Working Out

“As recently as 2004, Kaye, et al., reported that 64% of individuals with eating disorders also possess at least one anxiety disorder, and 41% of these individuals have OCD in particular” (article found on iocdf.org). It’s Katie again, here to discuss OCD and weight loss. As someone with obsessive patterns of behavior, I’ve always had to be very careful about dieting and exercise so as not to develop an eating disorder. When I was in college, I would eat a dangerously low number of calories to lose weight. My mentality was all or nothing. I was either “all in” and starving or “all out” and binging. If I couldn’t do it perfectly, I couldn’t do it at all. I still struggle with this daily, but I have improved significantly. Before, I wanted to see immediate results. I would make goals to lose 30 pounds in 3 months and did what it took to get those results. On my birthday last year, however, I made a goal to get back in shape. At 204 pounds, I knew I was on a slippery slope. Things weren’t going to improve unless I acted. I gave myself a year to be at a comfortable, sustainable weight. Yesterday was my half birthday. I’ve lost about 15 pounds in 6 months. When I started, I felt panicked that I wasn’t losing weight quickly. I went weeks without losing a pound. But having a long term mindset really helped me persevere when I may have given up in the past. I only weigh myself on Monday mornings instead of daily like I would in the past. This helps immensely. I do a lot of self talk at the gym to remind myself not to get hung up on numbers. I’m about halfway to my sustainable goal weight and much stronger than I ever was when trying to lose copious amounts of weight really fast. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made in my fitness goals not just physically, but mentally.