I was asked to give a speech at an OCD event called 1 Million Steps 4 OCD (sponsored by the Utah chapter of the OCD Foundation). Unfortunately, there was a scheduling issue and the walk was moved last minute to a week when I will be out of town. I already wrote the speech, so I thought I'd share it in hopes it can help someone.
My name is Katie Houston and I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. While my OCD can take different forms, the type I am most prone to is scrupulosity. People with scrupulosity create their own set of strict rules to live by and perform compulsions in order to reach their own impossibly high standards. Among other things, it is characterized by overwhelming feelings of guilt and a constant desire to confess and make amends for things that others see as harmless
As I pondered what I wanted to share, I thought about the parts of my life my OCD affects. I know there is at least one person out there who can relate to every single experience I will share this morning.
OCD affects my self-esteem. Because my expectations for myself are so high, I fall short constantly. I fall in to periods of self-loathing. All I can see are my weaknesses, and I struggle to see the victories. And then I feel guilty for not being grateful for what I have.
OCD affects my relationships. I often feel unworthy of love. I push people away for fear of disappointing them the way I disappoint myself. Living alone is a safer alternative to letting someone down.
OCD affects my physical fitness. I have to make a conscious effort not to starve myself in order to lose weight, because my OCD mentality is all or nothing. During gym classes, I have to remind myself that it’s okay to do one less rep than my coach tells me to, or if I walk instead of run some days when I’m worn out.
OCD affects my education. I once became obsessed with a reading assignment in college that I felt I didn’t complete correctly. I convinced myself I didn’t deserve my scholarship or my degree because of it. A couple years after taking the class, I emailed my professor to confess everything and seek relief from the anxiety that never went away. Of course, the professor saw nothing wrong with the way I completed the assignment.
OCD affects my career as a teacher. Once, I received an unkind parent email and had a complete break down. My reaction was much more extreme than the situation called for. I called the mother of another student sobbing hysterically, seeking reassurance that I wasn’t a horrible teacher and therefore a horrible person. I completely caught her off guard and felt later that I jeopardized my credibility as a professional.
OCD affects my mundane, ordinary tasks. A few weeks ago, I almost had a melt down in the grocery store over a charcuterie board I was supposed to bring to a party. There were so many choices of meats and cheeses and I was in totally unfamiliar territory. I hate the grocery store.
I could go on, but there aren’t enough hours in the day to cover it. A better question, I think, is, "What part of my life does obsessive compulsive disorder NOT affect?" The answer, as I think many of you will understand, is nothing. Even in sleep, I dream of my anxieties.
Last summer, however, changed my life. I started having panic attacks a year ago in April when the medication I was on for 10 years lost its effectiveness. It was terrifying and I knew I couldn’t live like that and function in society. During my struggles, I was referred to the OCD and Anxiety Treatment Center in Bountiful. I spent 5 weeks there learning how to control my OCD rather than allowing it to control me. Through exposure therapy, I showed my fears who was boss. I learned what it means to be present and not live in the past or the future. I learned there is hope. My OCD will never go away completely, but with the right kind of therapy and medication, I can rise above it every single day and lead a normal, happy, healthy life.
I am a totally different person now than I was a year ago. I've learned to let people in to my life and I'm healthier mentally and physically than ever before. Because OCD affects every aspect of my life, the treatment I did positively affected every aspect of my life as well. I take every opportunity to share my experiences so that others know they don’t have to live in pain and isolation anymore. There are people who understand, and there are resources available to educate us on how our brains work so that we can break the unhealthy cycles that bind us to our OCD. Through sharing my story, I’ve learned just how many people out there get it. I’ve had so many people reach out to me sharing their experiences in response to my own. It needs to be safer to talk about so it no longer festers in peoples’ minds and sends them in a downward spiral where no one can help them.
We can make a difference by talking about our experiences. Let’s make a goal today to tell one new person about an experience we’ve had with OCD so we can break the stigma that suggests that we should be ashamed of the mental illness we were born with. Let’s instead be proud of how far we’ve come.
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